Poor Newcastle. The hapless Geordies have suffered miserably in recent weeks as they aimlessly loiter around St. James’ Park decked out in their black and white uniforms, processing a constant stream of reports which have done little to raise the mood and optimism on Tyneside.

The latest development in the comedy saga that is Newcastle United is the news that a group of rich African businessman have clubbed together to pool their resources, raising £350 million of the £400 million asking-price slapped on the club by Mike Ashley & Co.

After announcing his departure to heed to the demands of the Tyneside faithful, Mike Ashley appears to be doing everything in his power to walk out on the Toon leaving the club in the biggest shambles possible. Having allegedly drunk his way out of a deal in the Middle East, the alcohol-loving chairman of the so-called Cockney Mafia appears to be whoring out the club to the first person willing to pay him off, whether they have any football acumen or not. Ashley is showing no love to his beloved Toon, only to his beloved bank balance.

A nameless and faceless group of up to eight Nigerians hardly offers a sense of stability that Newcastle is heading in the right direction. Having witnessed the unsavoury likes of Thaksin Shinawatra walk through the corridors of the Premier League, eyebrows must be raised when an unknown collection of Africans, fronted by a man (Chris Nathaniel, the Chief Executive Officer of the NVA Management) who made his name in football by unleashing the awful “Rio’s World Cup Wind-Ups” on the beleaguered British public, are looking to move in the North East of England.

Who are these people? Where did they make their money? Why do we not know their names? In this author’s opinion, the whole story just doesn’t sound kosher.

Falling to back-to-back defeats at the hands of the Arsenal (away), Hull City (home) and West Ham (away), Newcastle’s attractiveness to potential buyers is diminishing on a weekly basis. Presently they uncomfortably occupy 19th position in the league, and all signs are pointing to the distinct absence of a white knight able and capable of coming in to resurrect the fortunes of the club. From the outside, the Toon are a quickly depreciating asset, on the verge of being a fire-sale, with regular snippets surfacing that almost every player on the club’s books are up for sale so long as the right price (which is again a rapidly falling figure) is met.

Under such a backdrop, and still managerless, Newcastle are looking set to crash and burn. The Geordies crave the return of their Messiah Keegan, a return to Tyneside grass-root values. Instead, the reality appears to be that the club is quickly slipping further and further away from the locals, with the no-name Nigerians perched as the latest pariahs looking to move in to the North East of England.

This whole Nigerian episode stinks of a quick-fix, slap-dash solution in which a bunch of footballing novices have had a whip-around to purchase a club they know nothing about.

Even the quotes from the leader of the group, Nathaniel, fail to offer any hope that the prospective purchasers know what they are doing. “They will bring back Kevin Keegan immediately as manager and there will be £75m made available to buy players. The interest in the Premier League in Nigeria and the whole of Africa is huge and buying an English club is seen as the next big step for a football-mad country… The ball is in Ashley’s court. The money is there and if he is determined to sell, these men will be round the table with him as soon as he gives the word. They realise how important Keegan’s presence is to the fans and they will be delighted to bring him back.”

The first thing the group should be saying if they want to be taken seriously is to name the moneymen in the consortium, and discuss how they aim to resolve the management and financial issues which crippled the club under Ashley’s reign. As we now know, the club is still paying off old transfers debts, while having already spent the majority of sponsorship payments which arrived to the club upfront rather than in installments.

Yet rather than detailing a prudent financial plan, we have been served with generalised comments, paying lip-service to Kevin Keegan and claiming money will be available for transfers. It just seems so artificial.

As the saying goes, you can put lipstick on a pig, but it is still a pig. Newcastle will be praying they are not bacon.