50 ways to make football great again
The free UK weekly newspaper “Sport” last Friday featured as their cover story “50 ways to make football great again.” Since it is only available in pdf format on their website we have reproduced it below.
The list is rather lengthy, but does include a number of valid proposals (gates to be split 50-50, slash ticket prices, get rid of agents, only allow the champions in the Champions League). As well as a number that are tongue-in-cheek (bring back tackling, only two subs allowed, and no substitute goalkeepers).
The beautiful game in England has been transformed in the last fifteen years, not always for the better. Are the powers that be taking notice of lists such as these?
1. SHARE THE TV CASH. Approximately 99.99999999999998 per cent of football’s wealth is held by the big four of Manchester United, Chelsea, Arsenal and Liverpool (or big five if you listen to Spurs fans, which we don’t). It’s pretty unlikely that the likes of Aston Villa, Blackburn or Everton will ever break through the glass ceiling and win the title again. Then again, the likes of Villa, Blackburn and Everton are really unlikely to be relegated – they have their boots firmly on the necks of the third-tier clubs in the division. Who in turn boss the yo-yo clubs. Who lord the Championship with their parachute payments. And so on, and so forth. Now here’s a start: if all 92 league clubs agreed to share the television cash out equally – regardless of who’s actually on the box – we’d be halfway to alleviating the inequalities stifling the game. (Well, technically only 2 per cent of the way if we implement our other 49 ideas as well, but you know what we’re getting at here.)
2. GATES TO BE SPLIT 50-50. In pre-Premier League days, gate receipts were shared. Man Utd will argue that if they supply 66,000 of the fans to Wigan’s 1,000, they should trouser most of the moolah. Fair point, but if Wigan didn’t turn up those 66,000 would have nothing to watch. Split it halfway, you’re both doing the legwork.
3. NO PRIZE MONEY. The game’s about the glory, isn’t it? It doesn’t matter where you end up in the league, you’re not getting a bean. If there’s money in the pot, split it up and share it out. Since when did players need some sort of incentive to come first?
4. INTRODUCE AN NFL-STYLE DRAFT SYSTEM.?It’s interesting that the most capitalist country in the world has implemented a communist method of distributing its fresh sporting talent. In football (not soccer), the worst-performing teams get first pick from a centralised pool of new players. Wayne Rooney to Macclesfield Town? Now that would have shaken things up a bit.
5. LIMIT TRANSFER SPENDING. A draft won’t mean the end of the transfer system – and, because the current model is totally jiggered, we’ll need to fix that as well. Chelsea, for example, announced they weren’t going to spend any money this summer… and, oh look, here comes £13.5m Florent Malouda. Most frugal! Last season, they spent £108m on various players – including, to be fair, £30m on Andriy Shevchenko, the biggest sum invested in British comedy since the founding of the Jongleurs chain – and that, frankly, is too much. Manchester United may have spent a comparatively small £53m in that time, but it hardly puts them on the breadline, does it? If clubs were limited to spending, say, £10m a season, the playing field would be much more level – even this year’s Premier League paupers Derby County would be able to compete for the big names. Not only that, but big clubs would find it impossible to stockpile the best players, because if Sport ruled the game, we’d…
6. LIMIT SQUAD SIZES. There you go, 25 players, that’s your lot. Not only would it ensure there aren’t any Shaun Wright Phillipses wasting away in dusty cupboards somewhere, but it would also be a damn sight harder for the big clubs to field second-string sides in what are supposed to be major cup competitions.
7. SCRAP THE TRANSFER WINDOW. Because what purpose does it serve, exactly?
8. NO MORE TEVEZ AFFAIRS. In hindsight, a rule allowing players to be owned by third-party profiteers and then loaned (or sold, or whatever) to clubs who can’t read the small print on the receipt is probably not working that well and should probably be dropped quickly and quietly.
9. SLASH TICKET PRICES. Give it a year or two, and the cost of watching football might start falling. Top-flight ticket prices might have risen by about 600 per cent since 1990, but there are signs the game is overheating: Premier League clubs such as Middlesbrough and Wigan can’t even sell their total season-ticket allocations. That’s all fine, but why wait for something that may never happen? If Real Madrid can win four Spanish titles in 10 years while charging less than £20 a seat, there’s no need for any English club to flog tickets on to firms who end up charging gullible foreign fans 550 Euros for a game against Birmingham. Let’s cut ticket prices now.
10. CAP PLAYER WAGES. We can’t see this one being too unpopular with fans who pay through the nose for membership, tickets, merchandise and TV subscription fees. A worldwide cap on player wages would save clubs having to generate stupid amounts of income to get by, providing the savings are passed to the fans and not just trousered by greedy owners. The PFA would need to agree – a long shot but, if the game implodes in the long term, it just might be in its members’ best interests to rein in those wage demands now.
11. HAND OVER CLUBS TO THE FANS. From Bob ‘league champions to Second Division’ Lord at Burnley, through Doug ‘league title and European Cup during a sabbatical’ Ellis at Aston Villa, to Malcolm ‘risible sideburns’ Glazer at Manchester United, the domineering owner acting against the fans’ wishes has been a perennial problem. Liverpool fans will be worried about the loans just taken out by Messrs Hicks and Gillett, Man City fans could be forgiven for wondering exactly where the hell their new owner’s money is coming from, and there are plenty of Chelsea fans with reservations about the Abramovich era, too: are two league titles, paid for with the Sibneft millions, really worth the opprobrium? This is a poor state of affairs when compared with Europe: Barcelona and Real Madrid are owned by individual members who hold elections to select president and board, while Bundesliga clubs have to be 51 per cent-owned by members and fans. This would be a healthy model for the Premier League to follow, but just in case they’re not bothered to do so (imagine!), at least there’s another option: set up a splinter club, as fans of both Wimbledon and Man Utd have done to popular acclaim. Which reminds us…
12. THROW MILTON KEYNES DONS OUT OF THE LEAGUE. Just because.
13. GET RID OF AGENTS. Or at least force them to work on nurses’ wages - let’s see how many of them fancy that.
14. PROGRESSIVE ACTION BY FIFA AND UEFA. Hefty bans for anyone flinging racial abuse? Proper ticket allocation for fans at big games? Automatic entry to champions from every member country in the ‘Champions’ League? Something? Anything?
15. AN END TO PEDANTIC RULE-MAKING. “If the referee saw it, we can’t judge on it retrospectively.” Er, why not?
16. REINTRODUCE STANDING. An emotive issue, but Hillsborough happened because of how standing was policed, not because of standing per se. There were other factors, too – ticketing problems, an awkwardly designed ground, those fences – but if standing areas are well designed and monitored, there should be no problem. We’d also get cheaper tickets, more singing and a renewed working-class support base – what’s not to love?
17. DO AWAY WITH THE FAMILY SECTIONS. Far better to reintroduce paddocks in the stands that contain nothing but small children. And kids with bobble hats knitted by their gran, rattles or doorstep Spam sandwiches get in for free.
18. CUT BACK ON THE CORPORATE SEATING. We’re not totally reactionary; if flinging up a few boxes here and there brings in a few quid – and, to be fair, attracts a new type of spectator – that’s all fine and good. Just don’t give them half the bloody stadium for the FA/UEFA/European Cup finals, will you?
19. STOP PISSING ABOUT WITH THE UEFA CUP. This was a great tournament until some faceless mandarin at UEFA Towers decided to turn it into a mini-me Champions League. Now nobody knows what the hell’s going on until suddenly, after two knock-out stages, Blackburn are losing 3-1 away to Braga on a Thursday night. Only it doesn’t matter because all they need to do is draw at home against Nancy the following Tuesday (ko 4.15pm) to secure second spot in Group H and a place in the Intermediate Round. These faceless European bureaucrats are clearly hell-bent on ruining everything. What on earth was wrong with straight knockout? Anyone able to answer that? Didn’t think so.
20. ONLY ALLOW THE CHAMPIONS IN THE CHAMPIONS LEAGUE. The great thing about the old European Cup was that you had to prevail over a 42-game season to compete in it, then play a series of knockout rubbers which, if you had a bit of an off day, could see you out of Europe by early October. Then you’d need to win the league again if you wanted another shot. Now that’s pressure. Anyone who says the pot’s harder to win these days wants to compare Liverpool 2005 to Liverpool 1977 and have a good long think.
21. AND REINTRODUCE THE CUP WINNERS’ CUP WHILE YOU’RE AT IT. There was nothing wrong with it in the first place.
22. MAKE PLAYERS TRAVEL TO GAMES BY TRAIN OR BUS. Well, they’re the ones always banging on about keeping their feet on the ground.
23. MATCH OF THE DAY TO DRAFT IN NEW BLOOD. Rather than engage in the brand of light banter reserved for gentlemen’s clubs, wouldn’t it be nice if Match of the Day offered a few trenchant opinions for once? Even Jimmy Hill used to understand the need for this, for goodness sake. So, for starters, perhaps the corporation can spend some of our hard-earned licence fee hiring Messrs Eamonn Dunphy and Johnny Giles. Listening to these two really would be worth staying up for.
24. THE RETURN OF THE FA CUP FINAL SINGLE. Footballers are way too worried about looking good these days, and so have eschewed a tradition that has seen such classics as all those Chas’n’Dave Spurs singles and, er… Still, there’s nowt like hearing a reserve keeper getting to within three semitones of the melody, so all finalists must release an FA Cup final single – and all players must sing the entire chorus.
25. EVERY MATCH TO KICK OFF AT 3PM SATURDAY. Or 7.45pm on a Wednesday night. This would drastically reduce the number of TV games, do away with fixture congestion at a stroke and stop buggering around with fans’ travel plans. (Has anyone in TV scheduling ever tried to get back from Newcastle after a late Sunday FA Cup tie, do you think?) Oh, and a Saturday matchfest would have the benefit of making Match of the Day worth watching again. Providing, that is…
26. PRESS CONFERENCES ARE COMPULSORY. Managers have a duty to speak to the fans after a match, no matter if all they’re going to do is spew out mealy-mouthed platitudes. It’s frustrating enough if all they do is throw a post-defeat hissy fit, but it’s stunningly irritating when they refuse to speak to a media outlet just because that outlet once ran a story they didn’t quite agree with. If Alex Ferguson has a problem with Alan Green, or Panorama putting the boot into his son, he’s more than within his rights to protest – and, if he wants to snub the BBC, there’s always retirement. But, given that he’s building a team with the proceeds from TV money, we’d argue that he can’t have it both ways. The league should make him speak to the BBC – if anything, the seething hatred will make fantastic viewing.
27. BRING BACK FISTICUFFS. Let’s put our cards on the table: we all like seeing a good ruck, so spare us the “what about the kids?” moralising. If and when fists start to fl y, it should be a proper affair with hefty swings and the drawing of blood and teeth. Not like the chest-shove posturing of Arsenal and Chelsea in the Carling Cup final; we’d like a few proper haymakers, please.
28. GIVE US BACK NUMBERS 1 TO 11. We don’t need names on the back of the shirts in the OFFICIAL PREMIER LEAGUE FONT. And we don’t need squad numbers. Just the shirts: 1 to 11. Oh, and stop retiring shirt numbers for spurious reasons: number 14 isn’t Thierry Henry’s – it’s Arsenal’s.
29. FORCE PLAYERS TO HAVE TWO PINTS – AND ONLY TWO – THE NIGHT BEFORE A GAME. Didn’t do Brian Clough’s Nottingham Forest any harm, did it? Possibly did Clough himself a bit of harm, but that’s another story altogether.
30. IMPROVE GOAL CELEBRATIONS. None of this prancing around – a simple Denis Law-style hand in the air, or a Stanley Matthews handshake and jog back to the halfway line, should suffice. If players will insist on choreographed numbers, then their efforts should be judged by Len Goodman, the old chap from Strictly Come Dancing.
31. CLUBS MUST FIELD AT LEAST THREE PLAYERS BORN WITHIN 30 MILES OF THE GROUND. When Rafa Benitez arrived at Liverpool, he decided his first task should be to break up a ‘Merseyside cabal’ in the dressing room that consisted of Owen, Carragher, Murphy and Gerrard. Er, why? A homegrown policy didn’t do Celtic any harm in 1967, when they won the European Cup with a team who all lived in the same 12ft by 12ft tenement slum in Govan (or something). Each side should contain at least some locals: that way, we can also ensure English football returns to the glory days when we won a World Cup only because it was on home soil.
32. CLUBS MUST FIELD AT LEAST TWO PLAYERS WITH A BODY-FAT PERCENTAGE GREATER THAN 20. Athleticism is ruining all sports (with the possible exception of athletics), but especially football.
33. BRING BACK TACKLING. Proper, old-school tackling – and let the hardmen get away with more. No longer would the game be about running quickly and then falling over when brushed by a light challenge. Yes, Thierry, we mean you.
34. FORGET THE TECHNOLOGY. Does technology really make sport fairer? Video refereeing didn’t stop Jonny Wilkinson being awarded a phantom try against Scotland earlier this year. If you really must tinker with the game, then Hawkeye may be allowed for contentious and crucial over-the-line decisions, but nowt else: sly cheating, off-the-ball chinnings and borderline offsides are all part of the joyful process.
35. DON’T GET SHIRTY. Each club is to have one home kit and one away kit that they must keep for at least two seasons, and absolutely no third kits. Also, all clubs must revert to one of their properly iconic crests of between 1960 and 1985, and to hell with the copyright issues. Oh, and while we’re on the subject of merchandise…
36. ALL MERCHANDISING PROFITS TO GO INTO A CENTRAL POOL AND BE DIVVIED UP. Just because we’ve started talking about fist fights and drinking, we’ve not forgotten about trying to turn football into a socialist idyll, you know.
37. BAN ALL SHIRT SPONSORSHIP. And all pitchside advertising in grounds. Don’t worry, clubs, it’s not all about losing out: with no pitchside brainwashing nonsense, there’s five extra rows of seats at Champions League games right there.
38. FEED THE FANS PROPERLY. Go to a game in Germany and you get high-quality lager, made from hops, barley and spring water, that gets you nicely pie-eyed. Go to one in England and you get a plastic beaker of dancing chemicals that turn you into a wild loon. We’re not even going to start comparing the quality of the sausage meat.
39. STOP THE CLOCK WHEN PLAYERS GO DOWN. Don’t trust the ref to guess how much time to add on – he always underestimates. This might cause problems at Newcastle, though, for fans of Mourinho’s Chelsea who want to get the last train home.
40. SOCKS CAN BE ROLLED DOWN AND SHIN PADS ARE ENTIRELY OPTIONAL. We’re all about the1970s aesthetic.
41. REINTRODUCE OLD-SCHOOL PANINI CHIC BY FORCING PLAYERS TO POSE FOR STICKERALBUM PHOTOS WITHOUT LOOKING IN MIRROR OR VISITING STYLIST, PREFERABLY WHILE A HIGH WIND IS BLOWING. We really are all about the 1970s aesthetic.
42. BAN AUTOBIOGRAPHIES. No player should be allowed to release a ‘book’ while still playing. Off the pitch, many top footballers are irrelevant, uninteresting and staggeringly self important - their views should be ignored unless…
43. ENSURE PLAYERS SPEND THEIR SPARE TIME READING/GOING TO MUSEUMS/GETTING INVOLVED IN POLITICS, SO THEY BEGIN TO FORM MORE INTERESTING OPINIONS AND GIVE MORE ERUDITE INTERVIEWS. This, admittedly, will be easier said than done.
44. ONLY TWO SUBS ALLOWED, AND NO SUBSTITUTE GOALKEEPERS. Star strikers flailing around between the sticks – super. Everton won’t mind this, having just signed old-fashioned utility man Phil ‘the cat’ Jagielka.
45. BRING BACK MULTIPLE REPLAYS. This is what cup football is all about. It may be a bit unfair on the likes of Sheffield Wednesday, who in the 1980s had a habit of getting into 28-game tussles in various cups, but still.
46. BRING BACK THE HOME INTERNATIONALS. Speaking of football’s 1970s heyday, it’s about time this was brought back, mainly because it’s the only international tournament England have at least a 25 per cent chance of winning. Hearty local tussles are surely preferable to a plethora of meaningless friendlies – and it’s surely less vital to play world sides now that the Premier League and Champions League are so cosmopolitan.
47. BAN ALL TABLOID TERMINOLOGY. Spurious transfer stories, we can just about handle. But ‘Wantaway striker slams Kop boss after bench hell’? Please make it stop.
48. REINTRODUCE A BALL THAT DOESN’T SWERVE ALL OVER THE PLACE. We all admire 30-yard screamers which fly through the air and end up wedged in the stanchion, but the modern ball that changes direction 17 times during flight and leaves the goalkeeper flailing at thin air is about as much use as a cheap plastic thing from the petrol station. Make all balls heavier, and bring back the laces while you’re at it.
49. BRING BACK PROPER BOOTS. These should come in any colour you like, as long as they’re black. And make them stout and cut to the ankle, to avoid all this modern metatarsal nonsense.
50. STOP THE MUSIC. Fine any PA announcer who plays a popular music platter at 128dB after a goal is scored. Specifically, fine (and then kneecap) any PA announcer who plays I Feel Good after a goal is scored.
